Have you ever watched your adopted child pull away just when you felt closest to them — or wondered why love alone doesn't seem to be enough? You're not imagining it, and you're not failing. What your family may be navigating is one of the most complex emotional landscapes in human experience: the intersection of love, loss, trust, and healing.

Adoption is a beautiful and courageous act — but it does not erase the story a child carries into your home. Many adopted children have experienced early trauma, neglect, abuse, or the profound grief of separation from their birth family. These experiences can shape the way a child's brain and nervous system develop, affecting how they form attachments, regulate emotions, and respond to love and discipline. Parents may find themselves confused, exhausted, or heartbroken when traditional parenting approaches don't seem to work — not because they're doing something wrong, but because their child's needs require a different kind of understanding. This is where adoption-competent therapy makes all the difference.

Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI): A Framework for Connection

One of the most well-researched and compassionate approaches to supporting adoptive families is Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI), developed by Dr. Karyn Purvis and Dr. David Cross at Texas Christian University. In her foundational book The Connected Child (Purvis, Cross, & Sunshine, 2007), Dr. Purvis outlines how children who have experienced early harm often develop survival behaviors that can look like defiance, manipulation, or emotional shutdown — when in reality, these behaviors are rooted in fear and unmet developmental needs.

TBRI is built on three core sets of principles: Empowering Principles that address sensory and physical needs, Connecting Principles that build healthy attachment, and Correcting Principles that replace fear-based discipline with relationship-based guidance. Rather than focusing on behavior modification alone, TBRI invites parents to "see the heart behind the behavior" and respond with both nurture and appropriate structure (Purvis et al., 2007).

What is trauma-informed therapy, and how does it apply to adoption?

Trauma-informed therapy recognizes that behaviors are often the result of unprocessed experiences stored in the body and brain. For adopted children, this may mean that ordinary moments — a change in routine, a raised voice, or even a warm hug — can trigger a stress response that has nothing to do with the present moment. Therapists trained in trauma and adoption can help children process these responses safely while equipping parents with the tools to respond with both empathy and confidence.

Can therapy help if my child was adopted at birth or at a very young age?

Yes. Research shows that early relational disruption — even in infancy — can affect attachment patterns and emotional regulation (van der Kolk, 2014). The good news is that the brain remains remarkably adaptable. With the right therapeutic support, healing is not only possible — it is happening in families every day.

Putting It Into Practice

Reflection Prompt: When my child pushes me away or acts out, what might they be communicating about their need for safety or connection?

Gentle Practice: This week, try offering one low-pressure moment of connection each day — a side-by-side activity, a shared snack, or simply sitting nearby without an agenda. TBRI calls these "felt safety" moments, and they can quietly begin to rewire a child's sense of trust.

Spiritual Anchor: "I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you." — John 14:18. A gentle reminder that belonging and being sought after are at the heart of healing.

What to Expect in Adoption Counseling

Working with a counselor or therapist who specializes in adoption and attachment typically involves:

1. An assessment of the child's history, attachment style, and current behavioral patterns
2. Parent coaching sessions to help caregivers understand trauma responses and apply TBRI or similar strategies at home
3. Individual therapy for the child using play therapy, EMDR, or other trauma-sensitive modalities
4. Family therapy to strengthen communication and relational connection across the whole family system

When families engage in this kind of intentional, research-backed work, the benefits extend far beyond behavior — children begin to feel safe, parents begin to feel equipped, and the whole family begins to experience the connection they always hoped for.

Just as you began this journey with hope — believing that love could build a family — that same hope is the foundation of healing. Adoptive families don't need to be perfect. They need to be present, supported, and equipped with the right tools. That's exactly what adoption-competent therapy is designed to provide.

If you're an adoptive parent in Charlotte or the surrounding areas feeling overwhelmed, unsure, or simply ready to go deeper in supporting your child, Bareiter Counseling Center is here to walk alongside you. Our therapists and counselors are trained in trauma-informed care and are passionate about helping adoptive families thrive. You don't have to figure this out alone.

References

Purvis, K. B., Cross, D. R., & Sunshine, W. L. (2007). The connected child: Bring hope and healing to your adoptive family. McGraw-Hill.

van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.