How Understanding Your Attachment Style Can Transform Your Intimate Relationship
Discover the Science Behind Building Deeper Connection and Intimacy with Your Partner
"I love you, but I don't feel close to you anymore." Sarah's words hung in the air as she sat across from her husband of twelve years. Like many couples, they had drifted into a pattern of parallel lives—sharing a home but not truly sharing themselves.
The Hidden Problem in Modern Relationships
Many couples struggle with intimacy, not because they lack love, but because they lack understanding of how emotional connection actually works. Research shows that 70% of relationship conflicts stem from underlying attachment needs going unmet, yet most people are unaware of their own attachment patterns or how they impact their relationships.
The Solution: Understanding Attachment in Adult Relationships
Dr. Sue Johnson, developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), has revolutionized how we understand intimate relationships through her groundbreaking research on adult attachment. Her work reveals that "we are bonding mammals, and our need for secure emotional connection is absolute" (Johnson, 2019). This isn't weakness—it's biology.
Johnson's research demonstrates that couples who understand their attachment styles and learn to respond to each other's emotional needs create lasting, passionate relationships. Her studies show that 90% of couples who complete EFT therapy report significant improvement in their relationship satisfaction.
Identify Your Attachment Dance
Every couple develops what Johnson calls an "attachment dance"—predictable patterns of interaction that either build or erode emotional safety. Understanding this dance is the first step toward change.
Steps to recognize your pattern:
- Notice what triggers feelings of disconnection (criticism, withdrawal, defensiveness)
- Identify your typical response (pursue, withdraw, or protest)
- Observe how your response affects your partner
- Recognize the underlying need (reassurance, space, understanding)
The benefit: When couples can step out of their reactive patterns and address the underlying attachment needs, they create a secure emotional bond that enhances both emotional and physical intimacy.
Creating Your Secure Base
Johnson emphasizes that healthy relationships serve as a "secure base"—a safe haven where partners can be vulnerable and authentic. This emotional safety becomes the foundation for deeper intimacy in all areas of the relationship.
Remember Sarah from our opening? By learning to express her need for emotional connection rather than criticizing her husband's availability, and by him learning to respond with reassurance rather than defensiveness, they rebuilt the intimacy they had lost.
Building lasting intimacy isn't about perfection—it's about understanding the science of connection and having the courage to be vulnerable with the person you love most.
If you're ready to strengthen your relationship and build deeper intimacy, the therapists at Bareiter Counseling Center are trained in evidence-based approaches that can help. Call us today at 704-334-0524 to begin your journey toward a more connected relationship.
Citation: Johnson, S. (2019). Attachment in Psychotherapy. Guilford Press.
